monday morning

once again the weekend went by much too quickly. luckily this is a short work week for me...i'm off on friday this week and monday next week. woo-hoo for long weekends! we'll be celebrating little j's first birthday this coming weekend. i really can't believe he's already turning one. i guess this goes along with that last post about how time can both drag and fly by.

i remember thinking daylight would never come when i was up in the middle of the night feeding him. he seemed to eat 24 hours a day. i'm not kidding! this is not something i knew ahead of time, but when they say a baby eats every three hours, that's every three hours between start times. meaning, if you start feeding the baby at 9:00, he's going to be ready to eat again at 12:00 regardless of how much time you spent feeding him. i swear, my son would nurse for hours. i was always so paranoid to pop him off too because i was unable to really gauge how much he was getting since he was breastfed. it's funny how things have changed as he's gotten older. now, i'll give him 30 minutes max, and it's very rare that he'll take more than 15. our next child won't have the luxury of using mama as a pacifier because i'll know better.

being up in the middle of the night with him rarely bothered me though. sure, i was tired and sometimes even cranky (never took it out on him though - just my husband), but i would always remind myself that it wouldn't be like this for very long. he won't always need me the way he does now. i won't always only be able to get out of the house for 30 minutes at a time because i need to rush home before he's hungry again. one day, he'll be able to go longer between feedings, or he'll eat more than just my milk, so i won't be the one he always needs. i took advantage of it while it lasted, and it went by too fast.

i love to watch him grow and develop, but i miss my baby. i hope to God i don't become one of those moms that can't let go. i really don't want to smother my son or keep him on such a short leash because i'm afraid to let him go. i seriously need to get a grip on this.